Thoughts and things that happened and yet to be happen

Hmm , its been a while since my last post in this blog. Yeah, shits happened and mood swings. It is now 4.41 am but I still couldnt get some sleep. Have an appointment with a bunch of Blueserver friends later at 10.30 am and here I am, typing this post. Tried to sleep just now but I couldnt, there's so many things in my mind now.

Lets talk about Blueserver. Got introduced to Blueserver by thererick few years back. It is mostly a private DotA server in malaysia. I got myself into it during my college life, most probably during first year I think. It is DotA which made me addicted to Blueserver. Found this server kind of cool, so I've decided to get myself involve more into it, til the stage where I'll rather skip some college class and play games in Blueserver. Afterthat, I've met a girl, which got to my attention. Her name is Sheryl aka stupidfish in BS. She's cute and adorable. Soon, I've found out that she joined the banlist team of BS. I have falled for her that time, so I've decided to join the banlist team too in order to be with her. Maybe it is destined or fate, I've got myself into the team as well, and the real story of BS starts here.

I still remember well that my goals in BS is to become a GM who trains all the probationer banlist moderator. During that time, the GM post is priceless and it is highly respected by all players, in other words, all players were dreaming that one day, they can become a GM too. I joined the team at August 2006 as a probationer banlist moderator, got promoted to the official banlist moderator 2 months later, along with my colleague Gambit. Those were the days. Gambit and I are quite close to each other, in the sense of colleagues in an online community of course. Soon later, sheryl left the team due to her boy friend that time. I was rather sad, but not entirely sad. But then I decided to stay in the team and help out til I achieve my goal. During February 2007, it is the month where StarrY, my superior left the team. Although I finally have the chance to become a real GM that I always wanted, but I was really sad during the period. Since then, I always worried that I might not as perfect and as responsible as StarrY, I was afraid to make mistakes, but in the end, I still did. Gambit was always there to encourage me and help me in my tasks when he had the time. Thanks to him, I'd carry on my GM tasks with a lot more of confidence. 2 months later, shits happened where Megablue brought in his so called girl friend and ruined everything that I've worked hard for. I was really pissed that time, cause she absolutely have no idea on all the things and times that I've sacrificed for BS, but she ruined it within just few nights. There goes the day where I've decided to stop helping Megablue as I couldnt find anymore points to help him anymore. So, I've decided to quit as a GM, quit from the administrative team of BS, officially. The day of that moment fell on 5th of May 2007. Thats the end of the Blueserver story.

What bothers me the most is not BS anymore, it is myself, it is my health to be precise. I'm aware that I have some health problem since my secondary school life. To be honest, I hate myself. After I joined Elken, I've learn more about health. I've been running from my health problem since at least a year ago, and now I'm still running away from it. But deep down inside of me, I know I need to face it, sooner or later.

Besides that, I regret that I did not follow my parents to see the last of my grandpa. I'm truly sorry, I guess its too late to say this now but I really love you. I have no idea how to describe my feelings, but somehow I felt so uneasy that night when I received a call from the kusum who looking for my mom. Perhaps I'm your grand son, somehow I felt so worried and somehow I know you might be leaving us. I'm sorry grandpa, for everything, for all the misunderstandings. I really love you. Mom and dad, I really love you guys too. I'm sorry for everything. I felt that I've caused more trouble than having you two as my parents. =\

I love you guys very much.

-Mao-